hey everyone,
my draft story (just have to edit it really) is pretty much done. It is a rip off of the movie saving private Ryan, only instead of Americans fighting Germans in World War Two you have the Chocolate people of Cadbury And Nestle battling it out. Any feed back and ways i can aprove it or whatever will be much appreciated!
Thanks
The battle of Nestle and Cadbury had been raging for years now, long after humans left this earth the superior chocolate beings rose to take their place as the new ‘dominant’ species on the planet. But a war raged between the two different types of chocolate species, Cadbury and Nestle. Peace was never known to this earth when humans were around, it is no different when chocolate armies rule the world! The current record of battle takes place on 12th February 2300.
Sergeant Choco was making his final checks of the battlements his team had so craftily put together in the last two days. All plasma choc guns and gummy cannons were assembled and placed for ready battle.
‘’Lieutenant Milker! Make sure the men are all in position by 1800 hours, according to our scouts those Nestle scum will be upon us within the hour!’’
Almost done now, the men had been working furiously for the past day to fortify one of the last Cadbury making chocolate factories in New York, if this place fell, they would not have much left to fight for.
The scenes were rather chaotic, final preparations were stillbeing taken care of. The Milky white snipers had all positioned themselves in their assigned turrets and towers and high places to snipe from, they had a perfect view of the flat land that was surrounding the factory. If the Nestle tyrants were coming, they would at least see the bastards when they made their move.
All seems to be in place, thought Sargeant Choco, all there is to do now is to check on the prisoner. As he made his way to the back of the factory he laid his eyes on the single prisoner the Cadbury army had taken in the last battle. He was a mess, he was missing one of his chocolate arms and he had lost a few chunks of chocolately goodness from his face (a nightmare thing to recover from if you are made of nothing but chocolate!) behind a very solid steel door he stood, which had been fortified even more with the use of chocolate sealant around the cracks of the doors, once it sets its almost impossible to break. Why this soldier of the Nestles was still alive Sargent Choco could not say, but for some reason he felt killing him was not the right thing to do as of yet. The Nestley army knew they had one of their men, and he was hoping they would make stupid decisions in an attempt to get him back which would make Cadbury’s job of ‘extermination’ much easier.
As he climbed the stairs to the wall of the factory from where the enemy would attack he straightend his red cap and looked out at the sunset that was visible off in the distance. With a fortified factory of his bravest men ready to die for the Cadbury nation, he had no fear for the coming onslaught. Little did he know that tonight would be his last one on earth…
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
6 men, that’s all. Huddled together below a mound of earth 3 kilometres away were the Nestlians. A proud bunch and battle hardened they were. Unusually large for a group of chocolate soldiers most of them stood at 7ft tall. They were armed with the standard 303 calibre chewy rifles, other than that their weapons were limited except for their key siege weapon which one of them held within his coat. When private Ryan was captured from their camp, his brother Captain Cheery Ripe Ryan was going to stop at nothing to save him. But as it was the with Nestlians if you lose one of your own it is not much of a loss, they pump these soldiers out of their chocolate factories like no tomorrow. And so it was, only 5 brave men had followed Captain Ripe to the brink of their certain deaths to try and save his brother. If it was one thing the captain got from his team, it was loyalty.
As he stood over his men and looked down at their milky white faces he saw not fear, but a fierceness in their eyes. He knew they would do anything for him to get his brother out of the factory alive.
‘’Alright boys, we know we are out numbered 5 to 1, they have the weapons and they have the technology. But what we have which they never will is the element of surprise. We have thirty minutes until night sets, we move as soon as the last ounce of light leaves the sky''.
As he rose above the mound to take one last look at the factory before their siege, he saw a lone figure on the wall with a lopsided cap. Tonight he thought to himself, this man was going to know the might of the Nestlians.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Inside the compound Private Ryan had given up hope, what was left of it anyway. 1 month after his capture he barely had the strength to walk. Not that the Cadbrians would let him walk anyway. The holes in his face were a result of rather brutal torture from his captors, they had used the electrifying milk ray gun on him many times. Having no idea where he was he stared at the big steel door only 6ft away from him, his room of detainment was very small. Seeping through the cracks he recognised chocolate sealant. Why they had used this he had no idea. The man hardly had the strength to stand let alone attempt to break down a solid steel door. Close to passing out again from exhaustion he thought of his brother and the last time they had seen each other, all he had of him now was a memory, he was certain he would never see him again. After he blacked out the explosion and piercing white light from outside his cell was not enough of a commotion for him to regain consciousness. And so the battle ensued
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
‘’Holy mother of Cadbury! They have used a white chocolate exploder bomb!’’ cried sergeant Choco.
“Quick men cover yourselves from the falling boiling chocolate!”
But it was too late, they had not expected this sort of attack from the Nestlians. Many of his men were already running around in sheer panic and terror, most were encased in a white chocolate liquid that was burning their dark chocolate skins right off. As chaos spread throughout the factory of Cadbury the front reinforced door came flying off its hinges. 6 brave men from Nestle came storming in with nothing but sheer anger in their chocy hearts. Spreading out they began their onslaught against the Cadbrians. Many of them fell to their Chewy rifles as they began to progress through the factory in search of the captains brother.
‘’that's it boys we have them!’’ cried Captain Ripe.
As he looked up the captain saw the man with the red cap running around in panic trying to organise his men for a well organised defence. The captain had to take him down now before any sort of control was regained by the enemy.
‘’Keep searching through the factory and kill as many as you can!’’
He then made a beeline up to the top of the wall where the sergeant stood, whipping out his golden knife he lunged forward at him, his enemy did not have enough time to react and the captains blade ran right through him. As he fell Sergeant Choco looked up at the darkening sky, it was the last image he saw.
‘’Sir!’’, one of the men shouted to Captain Ripe.
‘’We are being over run, half of our men have just been taken out by a god dam gummy cannon! We have located your brother he is being held in a cell at the back!’’
‘’Ok, hold them off I’m on it!’’
As he ran towards the back of the factory he ducked and dived as bullets and plasmas of chocolate flew all around him, it was all a flash of light and fighting, he could see the men fighting and many of them falling but he now had only one goal, get to his brother. As he made it to the back of the factory he saw a large steel door with reinforcing chocolate sealant around its sides.
‘’This must be it!’’ he screamed!
Pulling out of his belt he retrieved his sealant melter gun and set to work. In no time he had the door open and managed to get his brother over his shoulder. But just as he reached the door another huge explosion went off. The force of it picked up the two brothers and they flew 6 meters in the air before coming to rest on the ground. With his head now swimming the captain looked up at a hole which had been blown in the back of the factory.
Struggling to his feet with his brother he made his way towards it. He knew now his men were dead, he could hear the remaining Cadbrians shouting with glee and excitement in what they thought was the extermination of all the Nestlians. As the captain made his way through the hole he used every last ounce of his effort to get himself and his brother as far away as possible from the factory. Falling from exhaustion the captain stopped under cover of a small hill about 2 kilometres away.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Private Ryan’s face was hot, sweaty, and also felt like it was melting. He could hear another mans voice talking over him, it sounded frantic but at the same time familiar and comforting. Too delirious and exhausted private Ryan was unable to open his eyes. The voice he was hearing reminded him of his brother Cheery Ripe. As he felt life slowly ebbing away from his rich chocolate body he knew his time was up… It was then that private Ryan died the happiest he had been in months hearing his brothers lost voice one last time.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
Looking very good there Louie. A few little mistakes, but i'm sure you'll pick those up. It's hard to suggest improvements, but maybe play with the last paragraph a little, add to the suspense and cause of death?.
Cheers Ross, i think you are right i may try to add to the ending a bit!
Well here it is, my final copy of my fanfic, it has been an interesting journey to say the least!
Ross, I took what you said about changing the ending a bit into great consideration, but i didn't manage to change it much in the end. I struggled to think of anything else i could put in there without making it too sappy!
Anyway, atleast it's done now!
Nestle Vs Cadbury
The Rescue of Private Ryan.
The battle of Nestle and Cadbury had been raging for years now, long after humans left this earth the superior chocolate beings rose to take their place as the new ‘dominant’ species on the planet. But a war raged between the two races, Cadbury and Nestle. Peace was never known to this earth when humans were around, it is no different when chocolate armies rule the world! This record of battle takes place on 12th February 2300.
Sergeant Choco was making his final checks of the battlements his team had so craftily put together in the last two days. All plasma choc guns and gummy cannons were assembled and placed for ready battle.
‘’Lieutenant Milker! Make sure the men are all in position by 1800 hours, according to our scouts those Nestle scum will be upon us within the hour!’’
Almost done now, the men had been working furiously for the past day to fortify one of the last Cadbury making chocolate factories in the country, if this place fell, they would not have much left to fight for.
The scenes were rather chaotic, final preparations were still being taken care of. The Milky white snipers had all positioned themselves in their assigned turrets and towers to snipe from, they had a perfect view of the flat land that was surrounding the factory. If the Nestle tyrants were coming, they would at least see the bastards when they made their move.
All seems to be in place, thought Sergeant Choco, all there is to do now is to check on the prisoner. As he made his way to the back of the factory he laid his eyes on the single prisoner the Cadbury army had taken in the last battle. He was a mess, he was missing one of his chocolate arms and he had lost a few chunks of chocolate goodness from his face (a nightmare thing to recover from if you are made of nothing but chocolate!) Behind a very solid steel door he stood, which had been fortified even more with the use of chocolate sealant around the cracks of the doors, once it sets its almost impossible to break. Why this soldier of the Nestles was still alive Sergeant Choco could not say, but for some reason he felt killing him was not the right thing to do as of yet. The Nestley army knew they had one of their men, and he was hoping they would make stupid mistakes in an attempt to get him back which would make Cadbury’s job of ‘extermination’ much easier.
As he climbed the stairs to the wall of the factory from where the enemy would attack he straightened his red cap and looked out at the sunset that was visible off in the distance. With a fortified factory of his bravest men ready to die for the Cadbury nation, he had no fear for the coming onslaught. Little did he know that tonight would be his last one on earth…
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
6 men, that’s all. Huddled together below a mound of earth 3 kilometres away were the Nestlians. A proud bunch and battle hardened they were. Unusually large for a group of chocolate soldiers most of them stood at 7ft tall. They were armed with the standard 303 calibre chewy rifles, other than that their weapons were limited except for their key siege weapon which one of them held within his coat. When Private Ryan was captured from their camp, his brother Captain Cheery Ripe Ryan was going to stop at nothing to save him. But as it was the with Nestlians if you lose one of your own it is not much of a loss, they pump these soldiers out of their chocolate factories like no tomorrow. And so it was, only 5 brave men had followed Captain Ripe to the brink of their certain deaths to try and save his brother. If it was one thing the Captain got from his soldiers, it was loyalty.
As he stood over his men and looked down at their milky white faces he saw not fear, but a fierceness in their eyes. He knew they would do anything for him to get his brother out of the factory alive.
‘’Alright boys, we know we are out numbered 5 to 1, they have the weapons and they have the technology. But what we have which they never will is the element of surprise. We have thirty minutes until night sets, we move as soon as the last ounce of light leaves the sky. As he rose above the mound to take one last look at the factory before their siege, he saw a lone figure on the wall with a lopsided cap. Tonight he thought to himself, this man was going to know the might of the Nestlians.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Inside the compound Private Ryan had given up hope, what was left of it anyway. One month after his capture he barely had the strength to walk. Not that the Cadbrians would let him walk anyway. The holes in his face were a result of rather brutal torture from his captors, they had used the electrifying milk ray gun on him many times. Having no idea where he was he stared at the big steel door only 6ft away from him, his room of detainment was very small. Seeping through the cracks he recognised chocolate sealant. Why they had used this he had no idea. The man hardly had the strength to stand let alone attempt to break down a solid steel door. Close to passing out again from exhaustion he thought of his brother and the last time they had seen each other, all he had of him now was a memory, he was certain he would never see him again. After he blacked out the explosion and piercing white light from outside his cell was not enough of a commotion for him to regain consciousness. And so the battle ensued
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
‘’Holy mother of Cadbury! They have used a white chocolate exploder bomb!’’ cried Sergeant Choco.
“Quick men cover yourselves from the falling boiling chocolate!”
But it was too late, they had not expected this sort of attack from the Nestlians. Many of his men were already running around in sheer panic and terror, most were encased in a white chocolate liquid that was burning their dark chocolate skins right off. As chaos spread throughout the factory of Cadbury the front reinforced door flew off its hinges. 6 brave men from Nestle came storming in with nothing but sheer anger in their chocy hearts. Spreading out they began their onslaught against the Cadbrians. Many of them fell to their Chewy rifles as they began to progress through the factory in search of the Captains brother.
‘’that's it boys we have them!’’ cried Captain Ripe.
As he looked up the captain saw the man with the red cap running around in panic trying to organise his men for a well organised defence. The Captain had to take him down now before any sort of control was regained by the enemy.
‘’Keep searching through the factory and kill as many as you can!’’
He then made a beeline up to the top of the wall where the Sergeant stood, whipping out his golden knife he lunged forward at him, his enemy did not have enough time to react and the Captains blade ran right through his body. As he fell Sergeant Choco looked up at the darkening sky, it was the last image he saw.
‘’Sir!’’, one of the men shouted to Captain Ripe.
‘’We are being over run, half of our men have just been taken out by a god dam gummy cannon! We have located your brother he is being held in a cell at the back!’’
‘’ok, hold them off I’m on it!’’
As he ran towards the back of the factory he ducked and dived as bullets and plasmas of chocolate flew all around him, it was all a flash of light and fighting, he could see the men fighting and many of them falling but he now had only one goal, get to his brother. As he made it to the back of the factory he saw a large steel door with reinforcing chocolate sealant around its sides.
‘’This must be it!’’ he screamed!
Pulling out of his belt he retrieved his sealant melter gun and set to work. In no time he had the door open and managed to get his brother over his shoulder. But just as he reached the door another huge explosion went off. The force of it picked up the two brothers and they flew 6 meters in the air before coming to rest on the ground. With his head now swimming the Captain looked up at a hole which had been blown in the back of the factory. Struggling to his feet with his brother he made his way towards it. He knew now his men were dead, he could hear the remaining Cadbrians shouting with glee and excitement in what they thought was the extermination of all the Nestlians. As the captain made his way through the hole he used every last ounce of his effort to get himself and his brother as far away as possible from the factory. Falling from exhaustion the Captain stopped under cover of a small hill about 2 kilometres away.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Private Ryan’s face was hot, sweaty, and also felt like it was melting. Moving his weak arms he felt hot earth beneath his hands, something was different… He had never felt this before in his cell. He could hear another mans voice talking over him, it sounded frantic but at the same time familiar and comforting. Too delirious and exhausted Private Ryan was unable to open his eyes. The voice he was hearing reminded him of his brother Cheery Ripe. As he felt life slowly ebbing away from his rich chocolate body he knew his time was up… It was then that Private Ryan died the happiest he had been in months, hearing his brother’s voice one last time.
Yours is impressive and exciting! Full of thrills! Ending is emotional and bit sad. I like nestlians and I also like ur funny expressions like ‘most were encased in a white chocolate liquid that was burning their dark chocolate skins right off’ and so on. I think u have a good writing techniques as in ‘show not tell’.?
Top work there Louie! in all honesty I can't find anything worthy to criticise, but maybe in the intro, be slightly more discreet with the scene setting?. The whole show not tell routine?. The last sentence almost brought a manly tear to my eye it did, and to think it was only a chocolate bar. Ka pai.
Hey Ross, i am currently reviewing the starting scene now, i think you are right i can change it a bit for a bit more of a show not tell theme, i will repost the new story once i am done. and yes, you are right, he was only chocolate, but what a great piece of chocolate he was!
Nestle Vs Cadbury
The Rescue of Private Ryan.
The battle of Nestle and Cadbury had been raging for years now, long after humans left this earth the superior chocolate beings rose to take their place as the new ‘dominant’ species on the planet. But a war raged between the two races, Cadbury and Nestle. Battles blazed between the two sides on the Earths now very ruff and rugged surface. Life of animals and trees were now virtually non-existant, it seemed all rage and torment the chocolate armies released upon the once vibrant place of earth has now taken its toll. Hope now is long since gone, any resurrection of peace on this earth has long since been diminished.
Sergeant Choco was making his final checks of the battlements his team had so craftily put together in the last two days. All plasma choc guns and gummy cannons were assembled and placed for ready battle.
‘’Lieutenant Milker! Make sure the men are all in position by 1800 hours, according to our scouts those Nestle scum will be upon us within the hour!’’
‘’we will not be over run Sergeamt! Our battlements will hold!’’
Almost done now, the men had been working furiously for the past day to fortify one of the last Cadbury making chocolate factories in the country, if this place fell, they would not have much left to fight for.
The scenes were rather chaotic, final preparations were still being taken care of. The Milky white snipers had all positioned themselves in their assigned turrets and towers to snipe from, they had a perfect view of the flat land that was surrounding the factory. If the Nestle tyrants were coming, they would at least see the bastards when they made their move.
All seems to be in place, thought Sergeant Choco, all there is to do now is to check on the prisoner. As he made his way to the back of the factory he laid his eyes on the single prisoner the Cadbury army had taken in the last battle. He was a mess, he was missing one of his chocolate arms and he had lost a few chunks of chocolate goodness from his face (a nightmare thing to recover from if you are made of nothing but chocolate!) Behind a very solid steel door he stood, which had been fortified even more with the use of chocolate sealant around the cracks of the doors, once it sets its almost impossible to break. Why this soldier of the Nestles was still alive Sergeant Choco could not say, but for some reason he felt killing him was not the right thing to do as of yet. The Nestley army knew they had one of their men, and he was hoping they would make stupid mistakes in an attempt to get him back which would make Cadbury’s job of ‘extermination’ much easier.
As he climbed the stairs to the wall of the factory from where the enemy would attack he straightened his red cap and looked out at the sunset that was visible off in the distance.
‘’This is it boys! This, is where the might of the Cadbrians will be shown in all its glory!’’
With a fortified factory of his bravest men ready to die for the Cadbury nation, he had no fear for the coming onslaught. Little did he know that tonight would be his last one on earth…
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
6 men, that’s all. Huddled together below a mound of earth 3 kilometres away were the Nestlians. A proud bunch and battle hardened they were. Unusually large for a group of chocolate soldiers most of them stood at 7ft tall. They were armed with the standard 303 calibre chewy rifles, other than that their weapons were limited except for their key siege weapon which one of them held within his coat. When Private Ryan was captured from their camp, his brother Captain Cheery Ripe Ryan was going to stop at nothing to save him. But as it was the with Nestlians if you lose one of your own it is not much of a loss, they pump these soldiers out of their chocolate factories like no tomorrow. And so it was, only 5 brave men had followed Captain Ripe to the brink of their certain deaths to try and save his brother. If it was one thing the Captain got from his soldiers, it was loyalty.
As he stood over his men and looked down at their milky white faces he saw not fear, but a fierceness in their eyes. He knew they would do anything for him to get his brother out of the factory alive.
‘’Alright boys, we know we are out numbered 5 to 1, they have the weapons and they have the technology. But what we have which they never will is the element of surprise. We have thirty minutes until night sets, we move as soon as the last ounce of light leaves the sky.’’
As he rose above the mound to take one last look at the factory before their siege, he saw a lone figure on the wall with a lopsided cap. Tonight he thought to himself, this man was going to know the might of the Nestlians.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Inside the compound Private Ryan had given up hope, what was left of it anyway. One month after his capture he barely had the strength to walk. Not that the Cadbrians would let him walk anyway. The holes in his face were a result of rather brutal torture from his captors, they had used the electrifying milk ray gun on him many times. Having no idea where he was he stared at the big steel door only 6ft away from him, his room of detainment was very small. Seeping through the cracks he recognised chocolate sealant. Why they had used this he had no idea. The man hardly had the strength to stand let alone attempt to break down a solid steel door. Close to passing out again from exhaustion he thought of his brother and the last time they had seen each other, all he had of him now was a memory, he was certain he would never see him again. After he blacked out the explosion and piercing white light from outside his cell was not enough of a commotion for him to regain consciousness. And so the battle ensued
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
‘’Holy mother of Cadbury! They have used a white chocolate exploder bomb!’’ cried Sergeant Choco.
“Quick men cover yourselves from the falling boiling chocolate!”
But it was too late, they had not expected this sort of attack from the Nestlians. Many of his men were already running around in sheer panic and terror, most were encased in a white chocolate liquid that was burning their dark chocolate skins right off. As chaos spread throughout the factory of Cadbury the front reinforced door flew off its hinges. 6 brave men from Nestle came storming in with nothing but sheer anger in their chocy hearts. Spreading out they began their onslaught against the Cadbrians. Many of them fell to their Chewy rifles as they began to progress through the factory in search of the Captains brother.
‘’that's it boys we have them!’’ cried Captain Ripe.
‘’Push through to back of the factory! These cowards will not last long!’’ screamed one of the privates.
As he looked up the captain saw the man with the red cap running around in panic trying to organise his men for a well organised defence. The Captain had to take him down now before any sort of control was regained by the enemy.
‘’Keep searching through the factory and kill as many as you can!’’
‘’Yes sir! Replied the captains soldiers.
He then made a beeline up to the top of the wall where the Sergeant stood, whipping out his golden knife he lunged forward at him, his enemy did not have enough time to react and the Captains blade ran right through his body. As he fell Sergeant Choco looked up at the darkening sky, it was the last image he saw.
‘’Sir!’’, one of the men shouted to Captain Ripe.
‘’We are being over run, half of our men have just been taken out by a god dam gummy cannon! We have located your brother he is being held in a cell at the back!’’
‘’ok, keep pushing through!, it’s time to turn their weapons against them now! Get those god damed cannons off the tower and aim them down against the resistance, I need a clear path to get to my brother!’’
As he ran towards the back of the factory he ducked and dived as bullets and plasmas of chocolate flew all around him, it was all a flash of light and fighting, he could see the men fighting and many of them falling but he now had only one goal, get to his brother. As he made it to the back of the factory he saw a large steel door with reinforcing chocolate sealant around its sides.
‘’This must be it!’’ he screamed!
Pulling out of his belt he retrieved his sealant melter gun and set to work. In no time he had the door open and managed to get his brother over his shoulder. But just as he reached the door another huge explosion went off. The force of it picked up the two brothers and they flew 6 meters in the air before coming to rest on the ground. With his head now swimming the Captain looked up at a hole which had been blown in the back of the factory. Struggling to his feet with his brother he made his way towards it. He knew now his men were dead, he could hear the remaining Cadbrians shouting with glee and excitement in what they thought was the extermination of all the Nestlians. As the captain made his way through the hole he used every last ounce of his effort to get himself and his brother as far away as possible from the factory. Falling from exhaustion the Captain stopped under cover of a small hill about 2 kilometres away.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Private Ryan’s face was hot, sweaty, and also felt like it was melting. Moving his weak arms he felt hot earth beneath his hands, something was different… He had never felt this before in his cell. He could hear another mans voice talking over him, it sounded frantic but at the same time familiar and comforting. Too delirious and exhausted Private Ryan was unable to open his eyes. The voice he was hearing reminded him of his brother Cheery Ripe.
‘’I have got you now brother, be at peace’’
As he felt life slowly ebbing away from his rich chocolate body he knew his time was up… It was then that Private Ryan died the happiest he had been in months, hearing his brother’s voice one last time.
Thanks guys for your comments, i have re-done my story again. Ross your comments were quite helpful for teh first paragraph, i changed things up a bit to work with what you were saying about showing not telling.
I also added in more dialouge sequences, on the advise of Paul as he mentioned the reader might get bored if there is not enouh dialouge in it.
I hope you guys enjoy the final piece!
Louie
Post a Comment